Saturday, 8 April 2017

Married, middle aged, mother's secret business

Not sure what has come over me, but here I am, blogging almost 12 months since my last post. I've had this one in draft for a long time, having started it at on 22nd October, 2016! I was checking my email and then, for no apparent reason, opened up Blogger. I'm still getting hits, would you believe, but what has really struck me, was this draft. How far I have come since October last year.........

22nd October, 2016- It's been a while. Not sure exactly where I am going with this one, but I haven't written for about 6 months and thought that this would do the trick right now. To be honest, the main reason that I have slowed right down on my blogging (apart from my usual statements on life and living in Face book), is that I felt 'over exposed' and sick and tired of being so 'open' with anyone and everyone who cared to read it. But I'll give it a go, here and now and we'll see where we end up.

Not long ago, I sat on the edge of our bed, on his side, where I usually sit and I let it all out, I vented and he listened. He held my hand and let me go for it. Feeling the need to express myself (for something different), I explained a few key points about what being a married, middle aged mother entailed. Frustrations, goals, aspirations, disappointments, desires and needs all swirled around in my head and I had to put it into order, for his sake and mine.


You see, many of you will get this, many won't. Having made the conscious decision several years ago to dedicate myself to my family and fore go other things for me, almost feels like a trap. I try my hardest to do the best I can, to be the best I can be, but no matter how hard I try, sometimes it seems as though I'm still failing. There is no such thing as perfection in motherhood and this in itself annoys me. I want to achieve, I want to excel, I want to be 'perfect',,,,but this doesn't exist and I don't like that.


Little disposable income doesn't help either. Being so busy making ends meet is a constant source of irritation and aggravation for me also. I must have a thousand places I'd like to go, a thousand more experiences I'd like to give my kids, a thousand more things I'd like to do......but......no cash.....no can do.


I have commitments to my children that reign paramount. I too could be more self centred, independent and care free, throw my hands up in the air and tell them just to work it out because I'm busy satisfying my needs for a change. But no, that's not me, not at all.


So, I go back to square one, stop for a minute and consider all of these things and eventually, I put it into perspective again. I have a whinge, I look inward for a moment and then all of a sudden the tension goes.........


Wow! What an eye opener for me. I was such a bundle of aggravation and irritation. Now, 6 months later, I am a new woman. My outlook, my thoughts, my routine, are now so very different. The main reason for this is that I've re-entered the workforce, I now have a job and have found an amazing sense of self, of freedom, of achievement, of productivity. For years, I lived in fear that I'd never be able to work again, it would be too disruptive, too much of a change, too hard.....and how very wrong I was.

"Having made the conscious decision several years ago to dedicate myself to my family and fore go other things for me, almost feels like a trap". I am still very dedicated to the family, nothing has changed there, but I am no longer 'trapped'. I now have balance, I can do it all. I work full time and this isn't just about earning money, I am productive, I am independent, I am free.

"Sometimes it seems as though I'm still failing.......I want to achieve, I want to excel". Now I feel far from a failure, I am certainly achieving, I am also excelling in balancing my commitments.....my commitments as a wife and mother, BUT also to myself.

"Little disposable income doesn't help either. Being so busy making ends meet is a constant source of irritation and aggravation for me also". Not any more! For the first time since becoming parents, my husband and I are now able to live comfortably, we are able to do extra again. We are now more financially secure than ever, the pressure has lifted, we are calm and relaxed......and happy.

After saying all that, I work to live, I don't live to work. If I can leave you with one message from this post, it is this. As women, we are forced to make choices, the big one being children OR career. Please understand that whilst I chose children (the best choice I ever made), time has passed and now, I am able to redefine myself and my situation in such a wonderful way.....and you can too :) xxx